Tuesday, February 28, 2017

The dust settles roughly..,the heart shattles

Close to three weeks of heart-stopping wait. Negative thoughts. Emotional turmoils. 

And finally, come today....the outcome is confirmed. My HDD is severely damaged and nothing could save all my data, most importantly ALL my photos for the past 10 years. 

Tje morning started topsy turvy after I finally receive the confirmation. Heart-breaking. Tears threatened to fall and by the time I was at work, I realised my eyes were red when I went to the washroom. Colleague asked if I was ok as I seemed out of sort. 

Weeks of trying to prepare myself for this ultimate news didnt help me feel any better.

I have lost my family photos, my pregnancy photos, my little child's baby photos, school photos, whatever that are more than precious to me. Its like part of my memory has been taken from me. The memory I spent so much time organizing, storing and collating.

I started to grieve over the loss.I watsapp my friend, C, and we interacted for over an hour over this. Yes, grieve as much but have to let go. Treasure whats in front  rather to keep holding on to whats over. New memories will come and this loss will be less significant as time passes. Yes, time can lessen the pain.

But, at this point, the loss is real and the pain is sharp. I dont know if I can truly get over this soon but I will try, not forgetting to treasure whats now, and ahead.


Sunday, February 19, 2017

What kind of support do I have?

As I struggled through life over the past 2-3 years, I sometimes quietly wonder why, while others breeze through their lives no matter how big their families, I have to face with tremendous struggle, stress and frustrations.

I have to ask myself over and over if it is the support I have or am lacking that is making my life the way it is now. 

I take stock of what I have mentally and this is what I think I have:

Physical support - <30%
Emotional support - <10%
Resource - Almost zilch

These can sometimes go into the negative.

Why do I always feel I am on my own?

19 Feb 17

Thursday, February 9, 2017






Thursday, February 2, 2017

Life in a marriage

(Photo from: 123RF)

I believe each marriage sets its foundation on having at least some common expectations and common goals, while striking a balance on individual differences. A beautiful marriage life doesn't come automatically. It takes efforts of the parties involved. It takes two hands to clap.

Once into a marriage, both parties will have to make some adjustments to jointly build up a new life that belongs to both. It is meaningless to enter into a new phase in life with the same set of attitudes and behaviours that you simply 'import' from your parents' homes.

What do you want to be, what do you want your new home to be and what do you want your own family to be? Continue to be rugged, slack, dirty, lazy, couch potato like the way you used to be? This is not going to work, especially when a child comes along. What do you want to impart?

What are the common expectations that a marriage should have in its simplest form, at least? Yes, yes, everyone is busy working, busy with other aspects of life. But your home is one of your aspects too. Where is it placed on your hierarchy?

Part I: Home management
Is it too difficult to at least keep the house in clean and hygienic conditions? And I am stressing, at least the very basic?

1. Attempt to keep the house less cluttered.
2. Pick up things (be it one of your useful items or just a piece of trash) when you see them on the floor
3. Wipe up dirt when you see one
4. Tidy up/make up the bed in the morning before leaving homes
5. Clean up bedsheets every now and then
6. Sweeping or mopping the floor (well, as you deem fit)
7. Wash feet when you step into the house
8. Wash and wipe dry your feet when you come out of the washrooms/bathrooms
9. Keep the washrooms/bathrooms clean after each use

Are they too difficult? These are habits each party already have (god bless), or will need to adapt to. It is all in the mind and how one commits to being a good member of the new life and new home.

If expectations of both parties are in tandem, all's well and good. However, if expectations are not in sync and the responsibilities 'befall' onto one party, sparks (not love sparks, for goodness sake) and cracks will appear sooner or later in this relationship.

Family life is not about one person shouldering responsibilities while the other looks on. It is also not about one person shouldering responsibilities while the other thinks there is really nothing much else to do. And it is also not about one person shouldering the responsibilities while the other thinks he/she is stupid not to just sit and relax. One has to remember that there will be no 'mommies' or 'daddies' to magically make dust and dirt disappear, to magically get all your clothes cleaned and hung neatly in your wardrobe, to magically kill all the germs and bacteria, in your new life equation. Your other half does not exist to fill your 'mommies' or 'daddies' roles.

Part II: Social management at home
I can't stress enough that technology has conquered our homes at all fronts, and it is affecting relationships at home badly.

People gather at home, but they don't talk. Each has his/her own companion in their own smartphones. It is a pain speaking to people who seem to be in a trance with their smartphones. Their reactions are slow, except to their phones. Their eyes are blind to everything, except their phones. Their ears are deaf, except to their phones. And I believe their other sensations are also dead to some extent. Their minds and souls seem to have been captured by the evil power of the smartphones. There is a reason why smartphones are smart. It is able to make a person at their beck and call, and ignoring the calls of a real person just by the side.

In a family setting, this is catastrophic.

To the party who has sold his/her soul to the phone, the home is simply a refuge to hide. He/She does not bother if everyone else is dead or alive. All he or she worries about is the battery life of the phone.

The phone has become the new accessory that has taken the place of the wedding ring. The phone seems to have elevate its status to that of the legal spouse that is slowly taking the place of the real human at home. The phone sticks to the person like glue. It is the shadow. It is the companion. It is the soulmate. It is .....EVERYTHING.

The phone follows the party into the washroom, to the dining table, to the bedroom, to the park, to social events, to the study table,......you just see it.......EVERYWHERE.

There are no more decent conversations at home. One spends more than 95% of time engaging their phones than to talk to real people at home.

The real people only comes out as priority for conversations when there is absolutely no way for the phones to be used, for example, walking on the road. It is tragically sad that people can ONLY start talking when they are out walking.

We create technology to ease out life's problems but it has now become the greatest source of social and family problems.

In the future, I think there won't be a need for marriages. One simply need a nice smartphone and it can accompany one for life. It will be the new life partner and soulmate. And you wouldn't even need to bother about such petty stuff about house cleanliness, house hygiene, etc, etc, etc.

Part III: General conversations

I have been wondering since a young age why some older couples don't speak with each other anymore. Why had they gotten married only to ignore each other later on? Didn't they marry each other because they once liked, or loved each other? But why then, living a 'separate' life at home now?

As my own life progresses and after observing and speaking to people all these years, and perhaps experiencing some parts of it in my own marriage, I believe problems such as this didn't happen overnight.

Imagine one party enthusiastically wants to share his/her joy, or sorrow, or anger, or even just grumbling and all he/she receives from the other party is a patronising one-word "Oh", or "Ah", or worse, a silent response, it kills a conversation immediately! There is no efforts to keep this conversation going and understand what the speaker is feeling. Continuing conversations makes one understand the party better. Choosing to let the conversation die a premature death takes along with it all the contents that would be very helpful in the relationship. If this is not addressed timely and is allowed to happen day after day, month after month, it will head towards killing a relationship.

Let it progress year after year, it kills a person's motivation or interest to share anything anymore. So gradually, relationships die off. That's when you see a silent relationship.

Relationship need not be this way. There are other wonderful and beautiful relationships with lots of good conversations, and which you can find support, companionship, and soulmate in your partner. And you wonder why these don't happen to you.

Yes, I wonder too........

2 Feb 2017
(edited 11 Feb 2017)

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Avoid these taboo topics this CNY and every CNYs

The Chinese New Year is round the corner and there are people who are eagerly waiting to receive it with open arms, and of course, there are people who are likely to be stressed, and dreadful.

CNY visiting, to some, is an annual catch-up with relatives whom you otherwise won't meet on a regularly basis. But such meeting or catching up is causing some strain, uneasiness to many, because of the repeatedly same questions that are being thrown up, and they having to answer year after year.

To have an enjoyable gathering, it is best such taboo subjects not to be brought up. There are things now that are not like the past. Try to understand that there is no one model for everybody, and many times, some situations are really beyond anyone's control.

You may be blessed with an ideal life, but remember there are people who are struggling with whatever lemons their lives throw them. So count your blessing, catch your tongue and dont let it rattle off irreparable damage to other people. To you, it may be just saliva you are losing but your insensitivity may cause others to lose sleep and sanity.

So, hope this serves as a reminder and a point for reference.

The BIG TABOO subjects best to avoid:

1. Marriage

"When are you going to get hitched?", "When are you getting married?", "Don't wait for too long.", etc. etc. etc. Yes, yes, yes. We are all too familiar with such statements and the likes.

But, while you are concern (or nosy), please note that people get or don't get hitched/married out of choice or out of no choice. If it is out of choice, then you are just wasting your breath. If it is out of no choice (because of whatever reasons), then you are not going to help either.

What answer(s) are you expecting when you ask? How do you want the 'victims' to answer? "I dont need a man/woman to survive.", or "I am happy as it is, does it bother you?". That's right. Does it really bother you?

2. Remarriage

Same as Marriage.

3. #1

If one successfully 'graduates' from the above, he or she needs to get through the second hurdle. "When are you going to have a baby?", "Quickly have a baby.", "It's about time you have a child.", etc, etc, etc

Again, whether people want a baby or not, is a choice or out of no choice. How do you know people don't want one, or have not tried for one? They may have tried harder than you think and your insensitive question (or nosiness) is just rubbing more salt to their wounds.

And again, what kind of answers are you expecting?
"I have also been waiting for as long as you started asking this, what do you think I can do?", or "I dont like children, are you nuts?", or "I miscarried twice in the past one year, do I have to go further?", or "Well, Dr says I am barren"

4. #2

Same situation as #1.

Once again, as you get by #1, the #2 question starts. "This is a good time to have #2.", "Quick go for #2 so that #1 has a playmate and wont be lonely", "One is not enough", etc, etc, etc.

There are probably tonnes of reasons why people don't want or don't have #2, just as why they don't want or don't have #1! Well, some people just want one! Is there a problem? Do mummies and daddies have to justify? There is again the 'by choice' or 'out of no choice' situation.

And in a more unfortunate scenario, people may not be able to have #2 due to reasons relating to financial, health, resource, and so on. If these are the reasons, parents may already be feeling the emotional impact of not being able to have a #2 for #1. You don't have to rub it in.

5. #3

This is may the final hurdle one have to go through if the first two are either all boys or all girls.
"Why don't you try for a girl/boy?" Jesus Christ, is it even your business? Do you want to fund for #3?

I believe these are the convenient things to strike up conversations, especially with family members/relatives you only see once a year. Unless you are a close friend or a member of the 'victim' who chooses to share such personal information with you, your two-cents worth over an hour or two conversation once a year will not only be useless, it may trigger an unnecessary unhappiness and rake up people's sorrow.

Though I had been pretty neutral about such conversations in the past, I am getting more and more irritated nowadays with random comments from random people I meet! I am now the target of the '#2' situation. Seriously, I have come a long way in accepting the fact that there is only #1, after going through tremendous anger, major disappointment, hard tears ALL ALONE! Just when I have accepted the reality of only #1, #1 started asking the "Can I have a didi/meimei" kind of question. So I have to tackle this while the guilt and pain is triggered again.

And that's not all. The cruelest situation I have to handle lately is....the random insensitive people are now directly targeting at #1 and asking "Do you want a didi/meimei?", and "Ask mummy to give you a didi/meimei lah."

Come on, you can probably target a kid to persuade the parents to buy a toy, but not to give a didi/meimei! To me, this downright cruel, downright insensitive and downright despicable!

So, please be sensitive and watch your words this CNY and avoid causing people's CNY to be a Crappy New Year. This is really not funny.

18 Jan 2017

Sunday, October 16, 2016

A question finally asked....by Ah Gal

All this time, she doesnt seem to be keen with babies when you brought her to baby showers, etc.

A friend askef if she has ever asked for a didi or meimei, I said no and in my heart, thinking she would not ask. She hasnt indicated any interest.

But surprising for the first time yesterday, while waiting for her gym class to start and both of us were playing, she suddenly blurted "When will I have a meimei?"

My heart sank a little. It's going to haunt me.

Saturday, October 15, 2016

My bedtime nonsense with little gal

Why are there lightning and (then) thunder? My bedtime nonsense with little gal again.

Last night both of us lied down to sleep with the still heavy thundery showers. As we spoke, the lightning became intense and was much more obvious in the totally dark room.

I blurted:"Who is trying to turn on the lights?" Little gal looked at me. Feeling I had to continue with that conversation, I said:"Oh, I know! 雷公 (thundergod) was trying turn on the lights. And when he cannot manage to turn them on, he becomes angry and said 'GOOOOOONG'!

Little gal chuckled nonstop.

For the next 10 minutes, and as I shut my eyes to sleep , I kept hearing the noise beside me asking "who is trying to turn on the lights" and chuckled, each time the lightning cracked.

Thursday, September 29, 2016



Sunday, August 9, 2015

Sunday, July 26, 2015

It's just a lamp.

They stand by quietly, lining our every streets and every walkways.

They watch us as we walk past them. They are the witnesses of numerous activities around us than what we think we know.

They 'sleep' only (usually) when we wake, and do their job dutifully as the sun gets ready to set.

Yet, how many of us lift our heads to acknowledge their presence. 

How many of us constantly remind ourselves what and how each lamp contribute to our safety? 

We are now so pampered to expect our paths to be lit as we walk in the night. We have come to expect this as an auto function that when night falls - hey bingo, we can still see our roads! Why worry? 

Have we reached a stage where we do not know what is/are present when things work out well, but will only know something's absent when problems surface?

Take some time, look around you as you walk, raise your head and give kudos to these silent contributors as they shower us brightness when our solar power goes to sleep.

Appreciate our surrounding today.

Have we ever wonder what it will be like should we lose all these 'auto' things that we don't even bat an eyelid for one day?

26 Jul 2015

------Celebrating our Golden Jubilee------

Friday, July 3, 2015

My first white hair spotted!

Arg! It wasnt intentional but while I was at the washroom (at the NHC waiting for dad to finish his physiotherapy), I saw a hair jutting out. I went closer to the mirror to take a look, and to my....er.....horror, saw a white hair!!! It was half of it.

Sigh, it had finally come! Woooooo.....

I hope I dont spot more in the coming future. 

Friday, April 3, 2015

Articles and links on Mr Lee Kuan Yew

Managed to copy some links read from FB, news sites on Mr Lee Kuan Yew during the 7 days mourning (23 Mar 15 - 29 Mar 15).

They were simply copied and pasted without being organised.


http://str.sg/Jhv (funeral special edition)

http://str.sg/J74 (mr lee life supplement)

Video clips:

LKY clips:


Sunday, March 29, 2015

Final farewell to Mr Lee Kuan Yew


If the past one week was difficult, today will be the most unbearable, as we bid a truly final farewell to our dear founding Prime Minister. I will miss your presence. I will miss your voice. I will miss your speeches. I will miss the fact of just knowing you are here. You are leaving us forever, but your legacy will remain. I am thankful for you, and to you. May you now rest in peace, having fought hard for this nation all your life and satisfied with the achievements you have accomplished. You have lived a full life. I hope you are now reunited with your beloved wife in a better place.

Friday, March 27, 2015

Paying my last respect to Mr Lee Kuan Yew

This is a personal wish and mission I have to accomplished, no matter how long it takes, to bid our founding prime minister farewell. What is 5.5 hours wait to say thank you to a man who had spent more than 50 years building a nation we call our home?

The strange thing was, when I was in the queue, time just flew by. The queue came in different phases. 

Here's a recount of my journey this morning to bid Mr Lee Kuan Yew farewell:

8.35am: Start queueing in front of the War Memorial. The queue just doesnt stop. While queueing, its also a good time to enjoy the view around us, and appreciate the goodness the man had brought us. Learning to appreciate more.

9.13am: reached Padang. Read the placard that the estimated waiting time is 10 hrs. We were lead to a queue and started waiting.

9.50am: Updated by army personnel our waiting time is about 4 hrs from here on and we were  asked to make ourselves comfortable. So we started sitting down and wait for the next movement. Army staff and volunteers came around distributing drinks and biscuits every now and then.

11.06am: Stood up ready to leave Padang, to continue the move. We didnt know what to expect next, but glad we were able to move on.

11.30am: Reached the next phase of queue at the Esplanade. Here's where the long, snaking queue started. Movement were slow and steady. Everyone was orderly and patient.

12.25pm: Light rain comes and everyone starts opening umbrellas. Still orderly. Light rain lasted less than 2 minutes.

1.10pm: Reached the underpass of Anderson Bridge. We were directed to move in blocks from this point on so that we could have air circulation and for evacuation purpose, if ever needed.

1.20pm: Beside the Singapore River. Less than 1 hr to go to reach Parliament House. Took the opportunity to have a good look at the place I have many memories, and a place I have not been for a long, long time. And I remembered reading an article about Mr Lee coming to the river on the night after Mrs Lee's funeral. I wondered where was he standing then.

1.35pm: Arrived at the white tentage, hints of our proximity to the Parliament House. Wrote on condolence card that was made available. Couldnt write much and write well as it was all done while moving.

1.45pm: Reaching security counters. Bags and humans were screened.

1.55pm: Entered the Parliament House compound. Someone important must have been there while we were in the queue but couldnt make out who. Could it be ex-President of Indonesia, Ms Megawati? I dont know and we have to keep moving. As I neared the building, the solemn feeling came back. The heart was pounding. The sadness overwhelming me once again.

2pm: Said my final thank you and goodbye to Mr Lee. Sobs and sniffs could be heard. A vigil party was sitting but I didnt quite make out who they were. My mind was in a whirl after seeing Mr Lee's casket, and had to move on. 

Thank you, Sir. This is the least I can do for you to show how much you were (and will continue to be) appreciated. Majullah Singapura!

Monday, March 23, 2015

Tribute to Mr Lee Kuan Yew (1923-2015)

It had been a sad day, waking up to hear the passing of our founding Prime Minister, Lee Kuan Yew. (23 Mar 2015, 3.18am)

I grew up in the Singapore under Mr Lee's premiership. To me, Lee Kuan Yew is Singapore and Singapore is Lee Kuan Yew. That's the only way I knew it.

I cannot imagine how will life be, and how will Singapore be without Mr Lee Kuan Yew.

Mr Lee, thank you for all you have done. It is very painful to lose you. May you now rest in peace, and be reunited with Mrs Lee once again.

Sunday, September 21, 2014



Monday, September 15, 2014

My slogan for the day

Forget about #2

It takes two hands two clap.

It is good after going round and round, we had the same goal. But the problem, the level of commitment, excitement, anxiety, wanting is so different and the different is so vast!

You will know the emotional exhaustion when one is caught in this situation.

Each time the prb comes and we try to address it, we go into the same cycle.

I am ending this cycle. So I am declaring, I am withdrawing from this and giving up the chase (if anyone cares though).

I am stopping all the restrictions from eating, drinking....whatever!

Game over, officially!


Saturday, September 13, 2014

Ailing relationship?

Something is not very right, but we are hanging in there.

There are more 'strained' moments, at least in my view. There are more frustrated moments. And there are definitely more silent moments.

Are we heading toward the cooling off of a relationship? Is our communication thoroughly breaking down? Seems to be, though I hope not.

I wonder what's so addictive about a damn phone that one cannot let go, and what's so big deal that the other cant just forget about.

At least from my perspective, I really have enough of such an addiction. I am seeing more of the other party settlinf down at the comfort of the phond and see nothing else happening at the peripherals.

I gave one or two clear indications and tonnes of indirect hints. But the through is, either they are all not clear enough to get into someone's head, or the addiction has become too ingrained. 

When there were two of us, I could just give a head shake and get on with doing things. Now with three of us, I occasionally have the urge to break some glasses to get my message across.

It is clearly affecting our relationship, again, AT LEAST fron my view. The other party is likely to still be hallucinating under the great influence of technological addiction.

What else can I do? I want to just manage things on my own, live as though I am managing things alone. Maybe by doing this, I will feel less bothered by the other party's indifferent attitude. He can continue to live in his own world while I live in mine, and my little one. This is definitely a bad choice for a relationship but I dont know what else to do.

Both of us are extremely poor communicators - one waits for the other to open mouth, while the other keeps things down.

Will this be my life for the rest of my remaining life? Or will we cut this short, either by making things better, or in the worse case, throwing in our towels?

I am just so tired, and frustrated, and bogged.

Good night.


This is a danger sign

Friday, September 12, 2014


Sigh I have nothing better else to say then...

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Part 1 of wardrobe clearing

Have been wanting to organise En's wardrobe for a super long time but just didnt get to it. Today I had a day to rest at home but couldnt sleep, so I decided to start with a little reorganising.

Packed out lots of her little items - swap, rompers, bibs, mittens, booties, caps, pants which all are too small liao. Those that are clearly old, i have to throw them away. Those that are pretty decent, i have kept them aside for anyone with a little baby and can use them.

Clearing these stuff made me recall the time En was just so small. More than 2 years have passed and she has grown up to be a big little girl now. A tinge of sadness having to throw those old clothings. :(

But then.....I need the space!