(Photo from: 123RF)
I believe each marriage sets its foundation on having at least some common expectations and common goals, while striking a balance on individual differences. A beautiful marriage life doesn't come automatically. It takes efforts of the parties involved. It takes two hands to clap.
Once into a marriage, both parties will have to make some adjustments to jointly build up a new life that belongs to both. It is meaningless to enter into a new phase in life with the same set of attitudes and behaviours that you simply 'import' from your parents' homes.
What do you want to be, what do you want your new home to be and what do you want your own family to be? Continue to be rugged, slack, dirty, lazy, couch potato like the way you used to be? This is not going to work, especially when a child comes along. What do you want to impart?
What are the common expectations that a marriage should have in its simplest form, at least? Yes, yes, everyone is busy working, busy with other aspects of life. But your home is one of your aspects too. Where is it placed on your hierarchy?
Part I: Home management
Is it too difficult to at least keep the house in clean and hygienic conditions? And I am stressing,
at least the very basic?
1. Attempt to keep the house less cluttered.
2. Pick up things (be it one of your useful items or just a piece of trash) when you see them on the floor
3. Wipe up dirt when you see one
4. Tidy up/make up the bed in the morning before leaving homes
5. Clean up bedsheets every now and then
6. Sweeping or mopping the floor (well, as you deem fit)
7. Wash feet when you step into the house
8. Wash and wipe dry your feet when you come out of the washrooms/bathrooms
9. Keep the washrooms/bathrooms clean after each use
Are they too difficult? These are habits each party already have (god bless), or will need to adapt to. It is all in the mind and how one commits to being a good member of the new life and new home.
If expectations of both parties are in tandem, all's well and good. However, if expectations are not in sync and the responsibilities 'befall' onto one party, sparks (not love sparks, for goodness sake) and cracks will appear sooner or later in this relationship.
Family life is not about one person shouldering responsibilities while the other looks on. It is also not about one person shouldering responsibilities while the other thinks there is really nothing much else to do. And it is also not about one person shouldering the responsibilities while the other thinks he/she is stupid not to just sit and relax. One has to remember that there will be no 'mommies' or 'daddies' to magically make dust and dirt disappear, to magically get all your clothes cleaned and hung neatly in your wardrobe, to magically kill all the germs and bacteria, in your new life equation. Your other half does not exist to fill your 'mommies' or 'daddies' roles.
Part II: Social management at home
I can't stress enough that technology has conquered our homes at all fronts, and it is affecting relationships at home badly.
People gather at home, but they don't talk. Each has his/her own companion in their own smartphones. It is a pain speaking to people who seem to be in a trance with their smartphones. Their reactions are slow, except to their phones. Their eyes are blind to everything, except their phones. Their ears are deaf, except to their phones. And I believe their other sensations are also dead to some extent. Their minds and souls seem to have been captured by the evil power of the smartphones. There is a reason why smartphones are smart. It is able to make a person at their beck and call, and ignoring the calls of a real person just by the side.
In a family setting, this is catastrophic.
To the party who has sold his/her soul to the phone, the home is simply a refuge to hide. He/She does not bother if everyone else is dead or alive. All he or she worries about is the battery life of the phone.
The phone has become the new accessory that has taken the place of the wedding ring. The phone seems to have elevate its status to that of the legal spouse that is slowly taking the place of the real human at home. The phone sticks to the person like glue. It is the shadow. It is the companion. It is the soulmate. It is .....EVERYTHING.
The phone follows the party into the washroom, to the dining table, to the bedroom, to the park, to social events, to the study table,......you just see it.......EVERYWHERE.
There are no more decent conversations at home. One spends more than 95% of time engaging their phones than to talk to real people at home.
The real people only comes out as priority for conversations when there is absolutely no way for the phones to be used, for example, walking on the road. It is tragically sad that people can ONLY start talking when they are out walking.
We create technology to ease out life's problems but it has now become the greatest source of social and family problems.
In the future, I think there won't be a need for marriages. One simply need a nice smartphone and it can accompany one for life. It will be the new life partner and soulmate. And you wouldn't even need to bother about such petty stuff about house cleanliness, house hygiene, etc, etc, etc.
Part III: General conversations
I have been wondering since a young age why some older couples don't speak with each other anymore. Why had they gotten married only to ignore each other later on? Didn't they marry each other because they once liked, or loved each other? But why then, living a 'separate' life at home now?
As my own life progresses and after observing and speaking to people all these years, and perhaps experiencing some parts of it in my own marriage, I believe problems such as this didn't happen overnight.
Imagine one party enthusiastically wants to share his/her joy, or sorrow, or anger, or even just grumbling and all he/she receives from the other party is a patronising one-word "Oh", or "Ah", or worse, a silent response, it kills a conversation immediately! There is no efforts to keep this conversation going and understand what the speaker is feeling. Continuing conversations makes one understand the party better. Choosing to let the conversation die a premature death takes along with it all the contents that would be very helpful in the relationship. If this is not addressed timely and is allowed to happen day after day, month after month, it will head towards killing a relationship.
Let it progress year after year, it kills a person's motivation or interest to share anything anymore. So gradually, relationships die off. That's when you see a silent relationship.
Relationship need not be this way. There are other wonderful and beautiful relationships with lots of good conversations, and which you can find support, companionship, and soulmate in your partner. And you wonder why these don't happen to you.
Yes, I wonder too........
2 Feb 2017
(edited 11 Feb 2017)
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