A single burden?

Not talking about single parent but rather a single child.

When I was a younger kid and even young adult, people around kept commenting how pampered I must have been since I am the only child in the family. I could have what I wanted, didn't have to share toys (and other things) and have the 'whole world' to myself. Some asked if I felt lonely.

Well, yes, as a single child, I was (and probably still am) the focus of the family. Attention was on me. Though I was not excessively pampered, I was lucky to have most things I wanted to have and own stuff. And whether I felt lonely, no, I was brought up the way I was and it was peace that I enjoyed.

As I grew older, the fact of life slowly set in. Now people ask if I feel stressed and burden having to take care of my parents (now only dad, as mum passed on in 1993) all alone without any other siblings sharing the burden, ie in terms of finance, time and other care. I did not feel the pressure until the baby came along. I suddenly feel that I cannot split myself into two and give 2 equal focus and equal quality of care that I used to give dad. I feel terribly guilty and upset and depress, esp with lots of things happening these weeks. With lots of attention needed by the little baby, I feel I am 'losing touch' with dad. I dont want that to happen. Can I do something about it?? This really bothers me a great deal. And it's making me mentally very strained.

On the other hand, I thought of my gal. If she is going to be the only child we are going to have, am I also being fair to her? Will she be in the same situation as I am now when she is older and we (her parents) get older? Am I causing her great burden to bring her into this world?

As I look at En, and see my situation now, I couldnt help but cry. I don't want her to bear such a big burden if I can help it.

These two weeks have been tough (rough's the more appropriate word) and I hope this will ease off soon. I am already on the verge of cracking and probably have, today.