The dust settles roughly..,the heart shattles

Close to three weeks of heart-stopping wait. Negative thoughts. Emotional turmoils. 

And finally, come today....the outcome is confirmed. My HDD is severely damaged and nothing could save all my data, most importantly ALL my photos for the past 10 years. 

Tje morning started topsy turvy after I finally receive the confirmation. Heart-breaking. Tears threatened to fall and by the time I was at work, I realised my eyes were red when I went to the washroom. Colleague asked if I was ok as I seemed out of sort. 

Weeks of trying to prepare myself for this ultimate news didnt help me feel any better.

I have lost my family photos, my pregnancy photos, my little child's baby photos, school photos, whatever that are more than precious to me. Its like part of my memory has been taken from me. The memory I spent so much time organizing, storing and collating.

I started to grieve over the loss.I watsapp my friend, C, and we interacted for over an hour over this. Yes, grieve as much but have to let go. Treasure whats in front  rather to keep holding on to whats over. New memories will come and this loss will be less significant as time passes. Yes, time can lessen the pain.

But, at this point, the loss is real and the pain is sharp. I dont know if I can truly get over this soon but I will try, not forgetting to treasure whats now, and ahead.

😢😢😢

What kind of support do I have?

As I struggled through life over the past 2-3 years, I sometimes quietly wonder why, while others breeze through their lives no matter how big their families, I have to face with tremendous struggle, stress and frustrations.

I have to ask myself over and over if it is the support I have or am lacking that is making my life the way it is now. 

I take stock of what I have mentally and this is what I think I have:

Physical support - <30%

Emotional support - <10%

Resource - Almost zilch

These can sometimes go into the negative.

Why do I always feel I am on my own?

19 Feb 17

名校为何是名校？

这里聊聊，那里聊聊，忽然对“名校”的定义有新的看法。

“名校”会是“名校”是因为它们录取了已是聪明的学生而不是把一般的学生变成天才。

如果真是如此，那我们又何必死命的想尽办法要进名校？如果你是天才，你自然就进的了。要是你一般，进了可能还会被“踢”出来呢。

是如此吗？

Life in a marriage

(Photo from: 123RF)

I believe each marriage sets its foundation on having at least some common expectations and common goals, while striking a balance on individual differences. A beautiful marriage life doesn't come automatically. It takes efforts of the parties involved. It takes two hands to clap.

Once into a marriage, both parties will have to make some adjustments to jointly build up a new life that belongs to both. It is meaningless to enter into a new phase in life with the same set of attitudes and behaviours that you simply 'import' from your parents' homes.

What do you want to be, what do you want your new home to be and what do you want your own family to be? Continue to be rugged, slack, dirty, lazy, couch potato like the way you used to be? This is not going to work, especially when a child comes along. What do you want to impart?

What are the common expectations that a marriage should have in its simplest form, at least? Yes, yes, everyone is busy working, busy with other aspects of life. But your home is one of your aspects too. Where is it placed on your hierarchy?


Part I: Home management
Is it too difficult to at least keep the house in clean and hygienic conditions? And I am stressing, at least the very basic?

1. Attempt to keep the house less cluttered.
2. Pick up things (be it one of your useful items or just a piece of trash) when you see them on the floor
3. Wipe up dirt when you see one
4. Tidy up/make up the bed in the morning before leaving homes
5. Clean up bedsheets every now and then
6. Sweeping or mopping the floor (well, as you deem fit)
7. Wash feet when you step into the house
8. Wash and wipe dry your feet when you come out of the washrooms/bathrooms
9. Keep the washrooms/bathrooms clean after each use

Are they too difficult? These are habits each party already have (god bless), or will need to adapt to. It is all in the mind and how one commits to being a good member of the new life and new home.

If expectations of both parties are in tandem, all's well and good. However, if expectations are not in sync and the responsibilities 'befall' onto one party, sparks (not love sparks, for goodness sake) and cracks will appear sooner or later in this relationship.

Family life is not about one person shouldering responsibilities while the other looks on. It is also not about one person shouldering responsibilities while the other thinks there is really nothing much else to do. And it is also not about one person shouldering the responsibilities while the other thinks he/she is stupid not to just sit and relax. One has to remember that there will be no 'mommies' or 'daddies' to magically make dust and dirt disappear, to magically get all your clothes cleaned and hung neatly in your wardrobe, to magically kill all the germs and bacteria, in your new life equation. Your other half does not exist to fill your 'mommies' or 'daddies' roles.


Part II: Social management at home
I can't stress enough that technology has conquered our homes at all fronts, and it is affecting relationships at home badly.

People gather at home, but they don't talk. Each has his/her own companion in their own smartphones. It is a pain speaking to people who seem to be in a trance with their smartphones. Their reactions are slow, except to their phones. Their eyes are blind to everything, except their phones. Their ears are deaf, except to their phones. And I believe their other sensations are also dead to some extent. Their minds and souls seem to have been captured by the evil power of the smartphones. There is a reason why smartphones are smart. It is able to make a person at their beck and call, and ignoring the calls of a real person just by the side.

In a family setting, this is catastrophic.

To the party who has sold his/her soul to the phone, the home is simply a refuge to hide. He/She does not bother if everyone else is dead or alive. All he or she worries about is the battery life of the phone.

The phone has become the new accessory that has taken the place of the wedding ring. The phone seems to have elevate its status to that of the legal spouse that is slowly taking the place of the real human at home. The phone sticks to the person like glue. It is the shadow. It is the companion. It is the soulmate. It is .....EVERYTHING.

The phone follows the party into the washroom, to the dining table, to the bedroom, to the park, to social events, to the study table,......you just see it.......EVERYWHERE.

There are no more decent conversations at home. One spends more than 95% of time engaging their phones than to talk to real people at home.

The real people only comes out as priority for conversations when there is absolutely no way for the phones to be used, for example, walking on the road. It is tragically sad that people can ONLY start talking when they are out walking.

We create technology to ease out life's problems but it has now become the greatest source of social and family problems.

In the future, I think there won't be a need for marriages. One simply need a nice smartphone and it can accompany one for life. It will be the new life partner and soulmate. And you wouldn't even need to bother about such petty stuff about house cleanliness, house hygiene, etc, etc, etc.


Part III: General conversations

I have been wondering since a young age why some older couples don't speak with each other anymore. Why had they gotten married only to ignore each other later on? Didn't they marry each other because they once liked, or loved each other? But why then, living a 'separate' life at home now?

As my own life progresses and after observing and speaking to people all these years, and perhaps experiencing some parts of it in my own marriage, I believe problems such as this didn't happen overnight.

Imagine one party enthusiastically wants to share his/her joy, or sorrow, or anger, or even just grumbling and all he/she receives from the other party is a patronising one-word "Oh", or "Ah", or worse, a silent response, it kills a conversation immediately! There is no efforts to keep this conversation going and understand what the speaker is feeling. Continuing conversations makes one understand the party better. Choosing to let the conversation die a premature death takes along with it all the contents that would be very helpful in the relationship. If this is not addressed timely and is allowed to happen day after day, month after month, it will head towards killing a relationship.

Let it progress year after year, it kills a person's motivation or interest to share anything anymore. So gradually, relationships die off. That's when you see a silent relationship.

Relationship need not be this way. There are other wonderful and beautiful relationships with lots of good conversations, and which you can find support, companionship, and soulmate in your partner. And you wonder why these don't happen to you.

Yes, I wonder too........


2 Feb 2017
(edited 11 Feb 2017)

Avoid these taboo topics this CNY and every CNYs

The Chinese New Year is round the corner and there are people who are eagerly waiting to receive it with open arms, and of course, there are people who are likely to be stressed, and dreadful.

CNY visiting, to some, is an annual catch-up with relatives whom you otherwise won't meet on a regularly basis. But such meeting or catching up is causing some strain, uneasiness to many, because of the repeatedly same questions that are being thrown up, and they having to answer year after year.

To have an enjoyable gathering, it is best such taboo subjects not to be brought up. There are things now that are not like the past. Try to understand that there is no one model for everybody, and many times, some situations are really beyond anyone's control.

You may be blessed with an ideal life, but remember there are people who are struggling with whatever lemons their lives throw them. So count your blessing, catch your tongue and dont let it rattle off irreparable damage to other people. To you, it may be just saliva you are losing but your insensitivity may cause others to lose sleep and sanity.

So, hope this serves as a reminder and a point for reference.

The BIG TABOO subjects best to avoid:

1. Marriage

"When are you going to get hitched?", "When are you getting married?", "Don't wait for too long.", etc. etc. etc. Yes, yes, yes. We are all too familiar with such statements and the likes.

But, while you are concern (or nosy), please note that people get or don't get hitched/married out of choice or out of no choice. If it is out of choice, then you are just wasting your breath. If it is out of no choice (because of whatever reasons), then you are not going to help either.

What answer(s) are you expecting when you ask? How do you want the 'victims' to answer? "I dont need a man/woman to survive.", or "I am happy as it is, does it bother you?". That's right. Does it really bother you?

2. Remarriage

Same as Marriage.

3. #1

If one successfully 'graduates' from the above, he or she needs to get through the second hurdle. "When are you going to have a baby?", "Quickly have a baby.", "It's about time you have a child.", etc, etc, etc

Again, whether people want a baby or not, is a choice or out of no choice. How do you know people don't want one, or have not tried for one? They may have tried harder than you think and your insensitive question (or nosiness) is just rubbing more salt to their wounds.

And again, what kind of answers are you expecting?
"I have also been waiting for as long as you started asking this, what do you think I can do?", or "I dont like children, are you nuts?", or "I miscarried twice in the past one year, do I have to go further?", or "Well, Dr says I am barren"

4. #2

Same situation as #1.

Once again, as you get by #1, the #2 question starts. "This is a good time to have #2.", "Quick go for #2 so that #1 has a playmate and wont be lonely", "One is not enough", etc, etc, etc.

There are probably tonnes of reasons why people don't want or don't have #2, just as why they don't want or don't have #1! Well, some people just want one! Is there a problem? Do mummies and daddies have to justify? There is again the 'by choice' or 'out of no choice' situation.

And in a more unfortunate scenario, people may not be able to have #2 due to reasons relating to financial, health, resource, and so on. If these are the reasons, parents may already be feeling the emotional impact of not being able to have a #2 for #1. You don't have to rub it in.

5. #3

This is may the final hurdle one have to go through if the first two are either all boys or all girls.
"Why don't you try for a girl/boy?" Jesus Christ, is it even your business? Do you want to fund for #3?

I believe these are the convenient things to strike up conversations, especially with family members/relatives you only see once a year. Unless you are a close friend or a member of the 'victim' who chooses to share such personal information with you, your two-cents worth over an hour or two conversation once a year will not only be useless, it may trigger an unnecessary unhappiness and rake up people's sorrow.

Though I had been pretty neutral about such conversations in the past, I am getting more and more irritated nowadays with random comments from random people I meet! I am now the target of the '#2' situation. Seriously, I have come a long way in accepting the fact that there is only #1, after going through tremendous anger, major disappointment, hard tears ALL ALONE! Just when I have accepted the reality of only #1, #1 started asking the "Can I have a didi/meimei" kind of question. So I have to tackle this while the guilt and pain is triggered again.

And that's not all. The cruelest situation I have to handle lately is....the random insensitive people are now directly targeting at #1 and asking "Do you want a didi/meimei?", and "Ask mummy to give you a didi/meimei lah."

Come on, you can probably target a kid to persuade the parents to buy a toy, but not to give a didi/meimei! To me, this downright cruel, downright insensitive and downright despicable!

So, please be sensitive and watch your words this CNY and avoid causing people's CNY to be a Crappy New Year. This is really not funny.

18 Jan 2017